"In Between"

[gunwithoutmusic]

You were cute,
And mostly my type.
Mostly.
With a decent sense of humor
And a decent sense of style,
Maybe I could have done better,
But I definitely could have done worse.
We spent our days
Chilling on the couch,
Chilling by the pool,
Chilling in the theme parks,
Chilling at the beach.
It was
(If you'll excuse the pun)
Cool to spend my time
Chilling with you,
An alright guy that was
Nice enough,
Cute enough,
Funny enough...
A guy that loved me,
Maybe more than I loved him.
Well, not maybe,
More like almost definitely,
But it was okay,
And "chill" was what I needed
After my last long-term thing,
Where everything was
Heightened emotions,
Heightened voices,
Heightened ideals,
Heightened heartbreak.
You were easy.
Simple.
If things could have stayed that way,
I might have allowed myself
To say that I was happy,
To say that I loved you
More than anyone else.
But things stopped being simple
The moment that we went out
For the first time to CityWalk,
The moment that I met
Your best friend and roommate.
He was handsome,
He was charming,
He was witty,
He was smart.
We clicked immediately
And spent the night
Enraptured by each other,
Ignoring you.
Remember how upset you were
When we got back to your apartment?
How you told me it seemed like
I liked your roommate
More than I liked you?
I reassured you that wasn't true,
While my mind danced
With thoughts of him.
For three short years,
I stayed with you,
Eagerly waiting for
You to leave for work
So he and I could be alone.
We never betrayed you,
At least not physically,
But we came so close
On a mental and emotional level.
He was everything I wanted,
But you were alright, too.

Comments

[flipflop_diva]

This is so good, and so sad, but also so real. I've definitely been in a couple relationships where I knew the other person had deeper feelings that I did, but I've also been in a couple the other way around. And I definitely had those moments in mine where I tried to make it work and make myself feel more than I was, but some things just can't be forced.

I like the way you wrote this, though, not holding back and being honest and not trying to make yourself look like the good guy. And you do get a sense of the unfairness for your actual bf.

Did you ever end up actually dating the roommate?

[gunwithoutmusic]

No, he actually moved back home (both he and my ex were from Chicago, and the roommate moved back while my ex stayed here) and, though we would catch up with each other from time to time, we basically lost touch. After he moved back to Chicago, my ex and I stayed together for a bit but the relationship crumbled pretty quickly. I think that part of him knew I had always pined for his best friend but he tried to make it work; we just weren't compatible in the long run.

I think that had his roommate not been around, we wouldn't have even lasted as long as we did. I broke up with him, giving him a laundry list of reasons, but honestly I think it was just that I was in love with his best friend and with his best friend out of the picture, I saw no reason to drag it out. I just couldn't admit that to myself at the time.

[halfshellvenus]

Oh, I felt so bad for the other person here, with 3 years spent not being quite enough (whether or not he knew it). Not Mr. Right, but Mr. Right Now, always falling short of his roommate who didn't seem worth the extra effort either.

And yet, I think this happens more often than we'd like, because sometimes being alone just seems so much worse.

[gunwithoutmusic]

I think we were both more victims of loneliness than anything else. I can't imagine that my ex didn't see the way I looked at his best friend. I can't imagine that he didn't realize, the same as I did, that his best friend and I were much more compatible than he and I ever were. But he had moved to Florida with no plan and no friends, and I was pretty much all he had. Similarly, I had just gotten out of my first serious long-term relationship and was lonely and just wanted to be with anyone that would show me the smallest bit of attention.

It's not like I didn't love him, I just think that he loved me more, and what I wanted out of a partner wasn't what he could give me. He was so funny and easy to talk to, but he was also a little ditzy (in comparison to his best friend, who could keep up with me intellectually) and, while it was fun being together, I really sort of wish I had met his friend first. Instead, I let myself be paralyzed by the idea that I was a "good guy," and couldn't possibly break up with him and then go date his best friend that lived with him.

And I mean, I probably couldn't have done that to him anyway. But I was so wrapped up in doing what I thought was right that I had no inkling of the idea that what I was doing (being with him while constantly wishing I was with his friend) was not really doing him any favors, either.

It's hard for me to look back on that time in my life, realizing that there were big sections of time in my life where I really was the bad guy, despite convincing myself I was doing everything right. I realized the other day that I've never written about him or those years and I found myself wondering why. So I thought it was time to put up a mirror and really take a look at it. I feel bad about it, but also glad for it because I know better now.

[alycewilson]

I've been in situations like that, though not for as long. When you're young and not as experienced, it's so hard to act for what you really want.

[gunwithoutmusic]

I know; I often wonder how things might have turned out if that first night we all hung out together, I had just said, "I'm really sorry but I think you're right," instead of denying that I was crushing on his best friend hard. I mainly worried that doing that would cause me to not be in either of their lives at all, and so I settled for just being able to be around.

[murielle]

A beautiful, poignant poem about an almost right, but not quite, love story.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much :)

[kittenboo]

Beautiful

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you :)