07. Dig It

[gunwithoutmusic]

“Burrowing”
571 words. Approximate reading time: 2 minutes, 51 seconds. Sorry, but probably no audio version for this one. I'll update if I do make a recording.

At 1:39 in the morning, my husband woke me up from a sound sleep to tell me two important things: the first was that God is real, and the second was that God didn’t want us to be together anymore. He presented his case with tenuous evidence while I lay in the bed with my head swimming, grasping for a lifeline in the form of words, but finding none. He left the room for a moment, and came back in to present his case once more. It seemed like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me.

Last year, our group of friends numbered eight. Each Friday night was a small party at Marie’s house, where we would alternate between playing cards and board games (rarely the same game twice; we were adventurous that way). The back porch of Marie’s house was a lively place full of friendship and full of love.

Now, our group of friends numbers three. Seth and Kim had their first baby and couldn’t really come around much more, preferring to stay at home and build their little family. Marie discovered her husband cheating on her and they split; Max left the house and found an apartment somewhere to share with his new girlfriend, and we don’t see him anymore. After the divorce, Marie and Jordynn had a falling out, and Jordynn and Anthony left our group and holed up in their townhouse, safe from the outside world but no longer a part of it.

It’s just Marie, Tyler, and me now. Marie was Tyler’s friend first, and though I love her to death and consider her one of my best friends now, I feel like I need to respect the friendship that was in place long before I was even in Tyler’s life. I feel like I need to not think about putting Marie in the middle of this... this whatever-is-happening. So, I see the changes on the horizon.

Soon, it will be just me, an island alone with no one.

At just after 2:00 in the morning, Tyler left to go to his sister’s house. He plans to stay there for an indeterminate amount of time while we figure out the logistics of the separation. I watched him leave and started a load of laundry, something I had been sorely neglecting and I felt absolutely needed to be done right then and there. God knows that sleep was off of the agenda for the rest of the night.

At just after 4:00 in the morning, I received a text message from Tyler’s sister. He had made it to her house safely, although he crashed his car and had to be brought to her house by a police officer that found him. I don’t know when I’ll hear from him again.

Where is this monster that is lurking, burrowing just beneath the surface of our lives, entertaining itself by tearing through the underneath and ripping lives asunder with teeth it has spent millenia sharpening? What is this thing that we thought we defeated? How can we live without being afraid of the dark things inside of all of us, without feeling a need to keep a constant vigil over our thoughts and those of others? How can we even fight something that we can only see in flashes, when it pushes through the surface to give us a glimpse before diving back down again?

I wish I knew.

Comments

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you - there's a big part of me that is still kind of in disbelief and not taking it 100% seriously (at least not the separation thing; I am worried about him from a general mental health standpoint, of course). We have weathered similar storms, so I'm hopeful right now.

[lawchicky819]

I understand. My husband and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but COVID has hit us with a whole different type of depression. My husband deals with depression regularly, but he has really struggled this year. I think it's extra hard when it seems like there's nowhere to go or nothing you can really DO because of the virus. There's no escape from some of the things that are triggering for him. We have been working towards a vow renewal in the summer and I'll tell you, Halloween was such a low point that I really believed that he was going to move out of the house. I told my mom I was stressed because if he left, I'd have to sell my home, etc etc. It took a bunch of conversations and a lot of understanding to get back to where we wanted to be. Ultimately, we love each other, but not the situation we're in sometimes. Marriage always seems to be a work in progress.

So I'm sending you some good karma for now. Sometimes we all need a little space to gain perspective.

[minikin25]

I was on the other side of this. It was seven years but I came back. We don’t talk about that time; There are a lot of version of past me that make me cringe.

We cherish each other now. And I am grateful every day for where We are now.


Hugz

[gunwithoutmusic]

*hugs* Hi, good to see you! I hope you're doing well :)

He came back home and we hashed it out a little bit - things are "better" but I think he's still in a fairly fragile mental state right now so I'm not sure where we're going from here, but I have hope that it'll all work out okay.