07. Dig It

[gunwithoutmusic]

“Burrowing”
571 words. Approximate reading time: 2 minutes, 51 seconds. Sorry, but probably no audio version for this one. I'll update if I do make a recording.

At 1:39 in the morning, my husband woke me up from a sound sleep to tell me two important things: the first was that God is real, and the second was that God didn’t want us to be together anymore. He presented his case with tenuous evidence while I lay in the bed with my head swimming, grasping for a lifeline in the form of words, but finding none. He left the room for a moment, and came back in to present his case once more. It seemed like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me.

Last year, our group of friends numbered eight. Each Friday night was a small party at Marie’s house, where we would alternate between playing cards and board games (rarely the same game twice; we were adventurous that way). The back porch of Marie’s house was a lively place full of friendship and full of love.

Now, our group of friends numbers three. Seth and Kim had their first baby and couldn’t really come around much more, preferring to stay at home and build their little family. Marie discovered her husband cheating on her and they split; Max left the house and found an apartment somewhere to share with his new girlfriend, and we don’t see him anymore. After the divorce, Marie and Jordynn had a falling out, and Jordynn and Anthony left our group and holed up in their townhouse, safe from the outside world but no longer a part of it.

It’s just Marie, Tyler, and me now. Marie was Tyler’s friend first, and though I love her to death and consider her one of my best friends now, I feel like I need to respect the friendship that was in place long before I was even in Tyler’s life. I feel like I need to not think about putting Marie in the middle of this... this whatever-is-happening. So, I see the changes on the horizon.

Soon, it will be just me, an island alone with no one.

At just after 2:00 in the morning, Tyler left to go to his sister’s house. He plans to stay there for an indeterminate amount of time while we figure out the logistics of the separation. I watched him leave and started a load of laundry, something I had been sorely neglecting and I felt absolutely needed to be done right then and there. God knows that sleep was off of the agenda for the rest of the night.

At just after 4:00 in the morning, I received a text message from Tyler’s sister. He had made it to her house safely, although he crashed his car and had to be brought to her house by a police officer that found him. I don’t know when I’ll hear from him again.

Where is this monster that is lurking, burrowing just beneath the surface of our lives, entertaining itself by tearing through the underneath and ripping lives asunder with teeth it has spent millenia sharpening? What is this thing that we thought we defeated? How can we live without being afraid of the dark things inside of all of us, without feeling a need to keep a constant vigil over our thoughts and those of others? How can we even fight something that we can only see in flashes, when it pushes through the surface to give us a glimpse before diving back down again?

I wish I knew.

Comments

[bleodswean]

Oh, no. No no. *HUGS* I can't even comment on this as an entry. Your summation is utterly chilling and REAL.

[gunwithoutmusic]

*hugs* Thank you - I find myself wishing I had written something over the weekend so that this wasn't the one that came out... but I also am not ready to give up on this game despite everything inside me saying, "Now is not the time to think about this." I always believe that things generally work out for the best; so, too, will this. I just wish I knew the ending already.

[bleodswean]

I understand, but without writing this, posting something else, you would have given up. You and I both know that the words will open you and then begin the healing. *HUGS*

[lawchicky819]

Oh gosh, I'm sorry you're going through this. Hopefully your husband can work his way through whatever it is he's going through and come back. I know Covid has done a number on mental health all over the world.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you - there's a big part of me that is still kind of in disbelief and not taking it 100% seriously (at least not the separation thing; I am worried about him from a general mental health standpoint, of course). We have weathered similar storms, so I'm hopeful right now.

[lawchicky819]

I understand. My husband and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but COVID has hit us with a whole different type of depression. My husband deals with depression regularly, but he has really struggled this year. I think it's extra hard when it seems like there's nowhere to go or nothing you can really DO because of the virus. There's no escape from some of the things that are triggering for him. We have been working towards a vow renewal in the summer and I'll tell you, Halloween was such a low point that I really believed that he was going to move out of the house. I told my mom I was stressed because if he left, I'd have to sell my home, etc etc. It took a bunch of conversations and a lot of understanding to get back to where we wanted to be. Ultimately, we love each other, but not the situation we're in sometimes. Marriage always seems to be a work in progress.

So I'm sending you some good karma for now. Sometimes we all need a little space to gain perspective.

[minikin25]

I was on the other side of this. It was seven years but I came back. We don’t talk about that time; There are a lot of version of past me that make me cringe.

We cherish each other now. And I am grateful every day for where We are now.


Hugz

[gunwithoutmusic]

*hugs* Hi, good to see you! I hope you're doing well :)

He came back home and we hashed it out a little bit - things are "better" but I think he's still in a fairly fragile mental state right now so I'm not sure where we're going from here, but I have hope that it'll all work out okay.

[wolfden]

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

A sudden declaration and decision like that makes me concerned for his mental health. I hope his sister or someone is looking out for him.

Sending support your way.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you - the situation continues to unfold and he has already apologized for hurting me but I'm not quite ready to just "forgive and forget" right now, as it were. I think that being with his sister will do him some good; she's always able to get through to him if there's something he's dealing with that he feels I am too close to. So hopefully it will get better; I'm just a little shaken right now and worried in general.

[bsgsix]

Oh love. *huge hugs* I - almost can't believe it. I hope he comes back, comes to his senses, and that whatever those declarations were happened to be a lapse in judgment. This has been a rough year on everyone; maybe his mental health is taking a hit?

But I know YOU, not him. And I can't judge anything. All I know is that I'm so sorry this happened, and that, in time, something will change in the way in needs to. I can understand being worried - the chilling thought of being on that friendless island is something I understand well.

I'm here for you in whatever way you need. I'm sure you didn't feel like writing, but honestly, to focus on the game? This works. So no worries there. My worry is more about YOU. *hugs*

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thanks - I'm doing ok right now; as well as I can anyway without really knowing what's going on at all. I think everything will be ok, though.

[bsgsix]

I know we've talked elsewhere, so - you know I'm here. I think everything will be okay, too, but that doesn't eradicate the sting of when it happens.

[adoptedwriter]

So very sorry about this! Damn!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Yeah it's been a sucky day to say the least! Thank you for your support. :)

[murielle]

Oh no!

I am so very sorry. My heart breaks for you, for both of you.

I hope with all my heart that you are able to work through this soon, soon, soon. Healing to you. Much healing for your hearts and your minds and your souls.

*Hugs*

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you - things are kind of up in the air for me personally at the moment, but he has come home so it seems to be better right now. Based on what he told me, I think he either had a severe panic attack or a manic episode; thankfully the car crash was just him running up on a curb - he totaled the car but no one was hurt so I'm glad to have the full story there instead of on Monday where I had no clue what was going on and was worried about him most of the day.

[alycewilson]

I am so sorry you're going through this. It's so sad that he is now doubting himself and hurting you as a result. I'm glad you did write this, though, because as others said, I think it can be a helpful way for you to work out the emotions and heal. But I truly wish you did not have to.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thanks - things are progressing at this point in a positive direction, I think, so I'm hopeful overall. It's hard to handle when someone says that they love you more than anyone and then proceeds to do something like this. I don't think he's in control of his emotions right now, and I feel for him, but it does suck bearing the brunt of that.

Writing this out definitely helped me; it always does. I just wanted to write something a little more light-hearted this week. The universe loves to throw me curveballs though and give me what I need, even if it's not what I want.

[alycewilson]

That's a positive way to look at it. I'm glad it seems to be going in a positive direction.

[halfshellvenus]

Oh, no. No no no no nooooo!

I kept hoing this was a dream, or that Tyler was stuck in a dream and not really thinking clearly.

Ugh, I'm so very sorry to hear this. It seems so out-of-the-blue, and it's the last thing you need right now-- especially in the middle of the current isolation protocols.

*hugs* I wish I could fix this for you. :(

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you *hugs* Things are a little bit better now but I'm still kind of lost in a bit of confusion and worry... He's taking some steps to feel better about himself and his life in general that, well, maybe I don't 100% agree with, but I'm the sort of person that generally expects everything will turn out alright in the end, so I'm being as supportive as I can right now and hoping everything comes out okay.

[swirlsofpurple]

*HUGS* so sorry

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you *hugs* :) Things are getting a little better and I'm feeling hopeful about moving forward now.

[flipflop_diva]

OMG. I feel bad for not reading this earlier. I did read all the comments, so I know it's a little better, but omg. I'm so sorry you're going through this. That's really hard and unfair and hurtful and just ughhh. I'm so, so, so sorry.

But I am super glad you were able to write something and stay in the competition. Sometimes a game can be a good distraction, even when everything else is awful.

But I'm so sorry <3333

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you :) Yeah - things are better in some ways and worse in others right now, but I think that we're basically on the right track. I really was considering not turning in something at all, since I hadn't wrote over the weekend and everything was so up in the air, but darn it I'm not gonna give up that easily!