"Pendulum"

[gunwithoutmusic]

The pendulum swings wildly,
From one end to the other
In an aleatory motion;
There is no prediction to make,
No certainty to find there.

The undulations of moods
Wreak havoc on psyches,
Where they necessarily
Are released into
An unguarded mind.

As cities build walls
To protect and isolate,
So do I, in a foolhardy attempt
To stop my moods
From matching yours,

To stop my mind from spinning
When you walk in the room.

Comments

[murielle]

(Had to look up "aleatory" and that's good for me--thank you.)

Your poetry always touches me with its truth and intimacy and beauty. <3

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you! :)

(Psst - I used a thesaurus on "aleatory" because I was looking for a better word and I saw that and thought it just looked and sounded nice; I've got a pretty big vocabulary but I added a new word to it today, too!)

[adoptedwriter]

Emotional defense. It’s real. Sometimes you have to protect yourself.

[gunwithoutmusic]

It's hard to find that balance between "protecting yourself" and "closing yourself off." I work at it constantly, because I used to be just completely closed off from everyone in my life. Now, I'm more open, but I find that if I'm just completely open to the feelings of other people, it can really do a number on my own feelings and mood, so it's all about striking that balance, letting myself be open, but understanding that I don't have to internalize those things.

[bleodswean]

Your poetry is always so Immediate while your Prose is more Reflective. It's an interesting dichotomy, S! I really liked the punch of this one.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much! :)

[halfshellvenus]

I liked aleatory too! And looked it up, and saw the Latin root "alea" (dice) in there, which was interesting.

It's hard to find the balance between being overwhelmed by others and being too closed-off. I have found that for me, there is often an individual formula. So much depends on the personality (moods, mood swings, and intensity) of the other person.

[gunwithoutmusic]

"Aleatory" is such a fun word and I'm so glad I discovered it while writing this poem. It just rolls off of the tongue so nicely! Of course, I'm struggling to see how I might fit it into everyday conversation without coming off as pretentious.

I hesitate to say that I'm "an empath," because that's another thing that sort of comes off as either pretentious or a little woo-woo to me, but I definitely take in the moods of other people very easily. That makes it hard to live with my husband sometimes, since his mood is frequently all over the place, and I find myself trying to force staying in a good mood when I can feel he is in a bad one. Unfortunately, if I let his moods take over mine, that usually ends up with us fighting about nothing because then I feel awful for no particular reason and have no real outlet for it (when he senses I'm in a bad mood, he wants to talk about it, whereas if I know that I'm in a bad mood because of his mood, I'd much rather just go be by myself and meditate for a few minutes to calm down).

It's a struggle, but I get better at managing it the older I get and the more time I spend with him, which has been a big help for both of us.

[alycewilson]

Sounds like the experience one would have with someone who has wild mood swings.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Exactly - it's definitely a reality for me, to come home and wonder what I'm going to get when I walk through the door. Thankfully, it's been a little less of reality for me lately, but I don't really have wild mood swings myself generally, so it's tough sometimes to deal with someone who does, since I really don't have an in-depth understanding of it myself.

[alycewilson]

I'd imagine it can be really difficult. My mom dated someone who had a borderline personality, and she could be really sweet one moment and prone to wild accusations the next. I have to admit, I was not surprised when that relationship ended. But that wasn't one with as much history and as much reason to fight for it as what you have.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Oh, borderline is just awful, both for the people who have it and for the relationships around those people. My husband's long-time best friend has BPD and it kills me to see what she puts herself through without any sort of seeming control over it. When she's doing well, she's just a wonderful person to be around, but when she's not doing well, she can be very scary.

I don't know if you've ever seen the show "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend," but the main character has BPD and it's supposedly a pretty accurate portrayal that really gives a good insight into the disorder (despite the fact that the show is ostensibly a musical comedy).

[alycewilson]

Wow. I don't know if that makes me want to see that show more or less! But yes, my mom's ex-girlfriend was very scary when she was in one of her negative moods. My mom tried to help her, but she resisted any help, so it was pretty much destined for failure.

But I've also known people who had BPD and took treatment seriously, and they were easier to be around.

[swirlsofpurple]

Such a painful truth held in these stanzas

[gunwithoutmusic]

Yeah, this one was a little difficult to write because it feels a little unfair of me to feel this way, but at the same time, how I feel is how I feel and it's good to get it out.