10. All The Fixins

[gunwithoutmusic]

"Thank You"
349 words. Approximate reading time: 1 minute, 44 seconds. Audio version here.

Do you remember
The first time we crawled through
Your bedroom window
To sit on the roof?
We played Emmylou Harris
On your cheap turntable
And watched the people
Playing tennis across the street.

We didn’t talk much,
Just sat and listened and watched.
Emmylou may have
Stumbled into Grace,
But I was too busy
Stumbling into love
To think about Grace myself.

Do you ever recall
The first time we pressed ourselves together
In your twin bed,
The shock of our sudden love affair
Leaving us with no choice,
Forcing us into pretzels,
And sleeping like that?

Do you think about
The birthday trip to
That German restaurant,
The car getting a flat
On the side of the highway,
And that guy we both found cute
Helping us put on the spare?

Or our first Thanksgiving,
When we were so proud
Of being Adults?
It was the first time you
Cooked a turkey,
And I made non-traditional sides
Because we were just
Special, “cooler” than our parents
With their non-brined turkeys
And their non-fried green beans.

Do you ever ruminate
On the time that Charley came in,
All winds and rain,
Flooding our coastal town
And trapping us in our living room
Without water, or air conditioning,
But with open windows
And the first season of
The Pretender on DVD?

Do you remember
Any of the things that
Linger in my mind?

Do you remember me?

I wanted to reach out,
To find you again,
To see how you’ve been,
But mostly to see
If you think of me
With the same frequency that
I think of you.

I wanted to be strong,
A person I had never been.
I wanted to be brave,
I wanted to be funny,
I wanted to let you know
How much you touched me,
And to find out
If I did the same for you.

I wanted to see
If my presence in your history
Was a bright and shining spot
Or if the pages of that chapter
Had been closed forever,
Left to gather dust
Beside the other memories
That never cross your mind.

I wanted to reach out
And tell you.

So I did.

I swallowed my fear
And I moved myself
To the place and time
Where we were together,
Where you changed me,

Where you helped me
Create a life that I could be proud of,
Where you helped me
Learn that love was not futile,
Where you helped me
Be a better man than I could have been alone.

I told you everything,
And waited for you to
Tell me everything, too.

But you replied, “Thank you,”
And I knew.

Comments

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you! I do look back on that time in my life (late-teens and early-twenties) with rose-colored glasses sometimes. I sometimes look back and think, "God, things were just so EASY then!"

And in some ways, they were. And in some ways, they weren't. The good times do tend to stick with us, so it's really easy to think that life was so much better back then, but I do have to actively remind myself sometimes, "Remember all the times you had to dig through the couch cushions for a handful of quarters to put gas in your car because you spent all your money on booze and had nearly a week left until payday? Remember all those times you had to drive down to the power company to pay the bill because your roommate FINALLY got paid and you could cover the bill, but you had to go in person because they shut your electricity off a week before? Remember all that crappy shit you had to deal with too?"

Because there are many, many times when I think to myself, "I would just love to go back to living that free-wheeling Bohemian lifestyle, working just enough to (mostly) cover my bills and spending my free time making art and music and writing stories."

But when I really remember what all of that entails, I tend to think twice. Old times were good for the most part, but new times are good too, in different ways.