02. Keel Hauling

[gunwithoutmusic]

“Quest for Air”

1,400 words. Approximate reading time: 7 minutes. Audio version here.

I’ve got nothing.

I need to find some peace, some solitude, some time to be on my own, with myself, away from the pressures of daily life. I can’t find inspiration amongst the laundry and the dishes and the errands that seem to be ever-present, pulling my mind in too many different directions. I need to be centered.

I take myself to the forest alone, to the place where I’ve always been able to find inspiration before. I hope to come back from this exhausted and rejuvenated. I hope for that ache of loneliness to solidify the words in my mind. What I find instead, is the death of solitude by a thousand cuts.

The trailhead parking lot is full when I turn in and I grumble a little internally. If there’s one thing I dislike, it’s seeing other people on the trail. It kills that sense of being one with nature, and (if I’m being completely honest) I hate having to throw on a smile and shout, “Good afternoon!” with a cheery tone to someone who is just starting their hike after I’ve already gone five miles and am on my way back.

I shoulder my pack and start along the trail, already annoyed at the fact that there is a group of people maybe twenty feet in front me and a group of people maybe twenty feet behind. Does anyone enjoy this, seeing a bunch of random strangers following them on the trail? It kills the whole experience for me. Still, I press on, because I know that at a certain point, less experienced people will give up and I’ll finally find that peace I’ve been looking for.

The mood, then, becomes set by the first family I pass on the trail. A mother and father with two elementary-school-aged girls are just standing as a group in the middle of the trail while a third daughter climbs a tree that has fallen across the path. They see me coming and move to the side, and just as I am stepping over the fallen tree, the father tells his daughter to come down, and she screams. Right into my ear.

I’m still walking. When I hit a fork in the path, I go left, hoping that maybe everyone else will go right. Moments later, I am attacked by a dog with love; he’s jumping on me and begging for attention. This certainly seems familiar, since I have to go through it every evening with my own dogs.

“Sorry!” his owner says as she makes the barest of efforts to pull him off of me. “He just gets excited!”

I smile despite myself (the dog is pretty cute, after all), and I reply, “Oh, mine are exactly the same way,” before continuing on the path. I take a few deep breaths and try again to find my center.

Behind me, the scream of a baby (like, someone thought taking a three-month old baby out on a hike was a good idea; wonders never cease) peals out like church bells, interrupting my thoughts again. The lilting soprano of the baby’s mother joins in, “You’re okay, Andrea; you’re fine. It’s okay, Andrea; don’t worry.” I chuckle for a second at the thought of a baby named Andrea, a name my mind typically reserves for thirty-something-year-old women and not adorable little babies, but the universe is determined to stop any thoughts.

While baby Andrea screams in the background and her mother does nothing to rectify the situation, from somewhere beside me comes the temper-tantrum screaming of two young children. I don’t even know where they could be, these two children, seeing as how I am on the path. Their voices seem to echo throughout the woods, coming from all directions. The rumbling basso of their father starts up, “This is why we don’t ever do anything! Because you guys always want to do stuff and then you throw a fit when you don’t get your way and you stress us out!”

I don’t know where these people are, these players in this unholy symphony. I feel like I’m trapped in a horror movie; no matter how much I pick up the pace in an attempt to get away, the screaming of baby Andrea seems to come closer and closer, while the father and his temper-tantrum children surround me from all sides. Where exactly are they? It’s driving me crazy. This is not what I was looking for.

Still, I must press on. I’ll find it eventually; I always do. It would be quite a bit easier to find it if I could stop passing people every thirty seconds. People, dogs, babies everywhere. I don’t understand it. What are all these people doing here? I’ve never seen this many people in the woods before. I’m starting to feel like they were specifically placed for me, at these specific intervals, just to interrupt my thoughts every time they begin to coalesce.

Honestly, I’m a little sick of it. Is it too much to ask to have an entire state park to myself for a few hours? Really? Is it?

I feel like I’m drowning here. I come out here for peace and quiet and solitude and I find screaming babies and unbothered parents and adorably annoying dogs and their equally unbothered parents. But then the thought crosses my mind that maybe drowning is what I’m supposed to be doing right now.

When I go out into nature, it always finds a way to give me exactly what I need. I came out here wanting to be alone, but apparently I need to be bothered, I need to have my thoughts interrupted, I need to pee and I can’t risk stopping off of the trail because of all of these people.

There’s a moment of quiet and I step off the trail to take care of that last thing. No more than a few seconds after I finish and get back on trail, a lone hiker walks by and gives me a funny look. I sigh internally and hope that he enjoyed the show, then I decide to just give in. This is what I’ve been given; I might as well let myself experience it.

So I close my eyes and plunge under the water, holding my breath and waiting for the inevitable drowning. I let my concepts of peace and solitude by torn apart piece by piece, with every excited dog and every shrill scream of a child, with every couple that is clearly completely unprepared to be out here (seriously, they’re wearing jeans and long-sleeved black t-shirts in 84-degree weather), that was obviously dropped here without warning by the universe to keep me underwater.

I give myself to the water; I give myself to the rope that pulls me through it. I let the universe take over and stop trying to force it, hoping that I’ll emerge from the other side and find air, and life, again.

Two-and-a-half miles. That’s how long it takes me before I’m wrenched from the water, coughing and spluttering. I’m in a beautiful open area, the sun is shining, no one else is around, and things are finally, blissfully quiet. Conveniently, there is also a covered bench here. I whisper a small prayer of thanks to the universe for finally giving me exactly what I’ve been asking for this whole time: just a little peace, just a little quiet, just a little room for inspiration to come in and give me something beautiful to put down on the page, something awe-inspiring, something funny (but with just a little bit of heart), something real about the human condition and the things that we all experience in our lives, you know, something relatable.

I stop for a rest on the bench, and pull my notebook and pen out of my pack. I breathe in deeply, feeling the air filling my lungs for the first time in miles, and feel the inspiration wash over me. I open my notebook and put pen to paper as I feel my creator side take over. It’s almost automatic, when I can feel myself getting into a groove. The pen drags itself across the paper and I just know that I’ve got the perfect opening line for my newest insightful and beautiful little slice of genius. I read it back, almost excited to find out what my mind has come up with after all of this torture. And there, in bold black block lettering, reads:

“I’ve got nothing.”

Comments

[uselesstinrelic]

I admit, I laughed out loud when you wrote, "Is it too much to ask to have an entire state park to myself for a few hours?" and I shouted "Yes!" with a giggle to my screen.

But I get it, cause I've been there for sure. I was struck by your thought processes in the beginning that I could definitely relate to. Sort of the knee-jerk urge to see others as a bother, to assume that they're not as 'real' or their reasons for wanting to engage with something like the woods isn't as valid or heartfelt. That me being the sole person out there soul searching has a better reason, and therefore, more 'right' to be there than the people who are out there with their kids.

It can be hard in the fit our frustrated human self throws to let ourselves see the others out there as maybe searching for a special moment with their children. They were maybe searching for that peace you were and feeling frustrated that their kids weren't in the same headspace. Maybe the kids were frustrated that they imagined their experience would be more fun than it was feeling. All the screaming and tree-climbing their way of trying to find that elusive moment in the woods they were searching for.

I felt like that dad voice was saying much the same thing you were. There was an idea of the way the day would feel or go.

Seemed like a lot of people in that state park were searching, and many were disappointed. At least until they can let go of the expectations and let the day be what it was.

Yet, even when you did that in the end, you come up with "I've got nothing," which I, as a reader, interpreted as a solid callback to the theme of keel hauling. Even once the 'price' for the punishment is paid with the suffering in the trip under the ship/through the woods, and perhaps a lesson is learned, it doesn't change that there might not still be long-lasting injuries or repercussions from having had the experience. In your case, to come out with nothing on the page after all the strife of getting to the place where the 'punishment' was finally over, feels a little metaphorical of a lasting head injury after being tugged under the keel of a ship!

Possibly not at all your desired intention, but as your reader, that was what I took! :>

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much; what a great comment! I actually think you hit the nail right on the head, where my own selfishness at trying to accomplish what I was trying to accomplish kind of gives me that feeling that the other people aren't "real people," but just "obstacles in my way."

I love that you pointed out the father talking to his two kids about things not going their way was definitely a message for me, too. I'm out there trying to go on this quest and I'm not getting my way and I'm throwing a little temper-tantrum inside myself, too. That's what this whole piece is about, and I'll be honest - that wasn't intentional, but sometimes things come out in the way they're meant to come out and the real meaning underneath everything obscures itself from us until someone else looks at it and points it out.

And yes, even after all of that that I had to go through to try and get my inspiration, I come up with nothing. Well, not nothing, since this piece came from it, but it's like a nice point on the end of the whole thing. Sometimes things don't go the way we want or the way we expect; maybe it's better to roll with the punches than to try and punch back sometimes. :)

Thank you again for your in-depth comment; I really appreciate thoughtful replies and I love that you were able to pull so much out of this!

[uselesstinrelic]

YAY :D
< /thoughtfulComment >

[adoptedwriter]

Oh gosh! This was so good! Tons more ppl on trails these days if they are opting out of gyms. Our bike trail is like rush hour.

[gunwithoutmusic]

It's funny that I was out there looking for solitude but I found exactly what I needed for the prompt this week, which was REALLY what I was looking for. :) I've noticed the trails getting busier and busier, too, which on one hand is great, because I love seeing people get out in nature too, but on the other hand I like having my quiet time out there!

Thanks so much for the comment :)

[bsgsix]

This is wonderful - the imagery, the man v. man that is paramount to a topic like this, the introspection, and the being dragged through humanity when all you wanted was some peace. You gave in to come out better, and you made this wonderful ring cycle here - with nothing, you have something.

And that something is relatable.

Also, an "unholy symphony" is SUCH a great line. I have synesthesia, so I see sound as color. It's sometimes a wonderful thing - to see music in such a colorful way - but when it comes to people, the cacophony is overwhelming and I shut down. It IS an unholy symphony.

This is wonderful. <3

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much! I did really like making this into "The Song That Doesn't End" in a way, because I always find myself coming back to nature when I'm trying to find inspiration lately, and this really kind of solidifies my need to keep going back; I'll always find something but I'll be at nothing again soon enough, just a vicious cycle I think a lot of writers deal with in their own way.

[bleodswean]

YES!!! I knew you would be able to take this dreadful prompt and craft something inspirational! Nature has become pretty darned crowded lately, hasn't it?! Amazing that you could take an aggravating experience and go deep with it until you surface in a new place with a new attitude! Bravo!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you! Funnily enough, I always seem to do my best work (in my opinion) when I'm writing about how I don't have anything to write about.

The trails have been super-crowded recently, but, while I do miss being able to be basically alone on the trail, it is also heartening to see others coming back and connecting with nature and getting exercise and stuff, too. I actually find myself hoping that my trail posts on LiveJournal and the things I'm writing here will inspire more people to get out there, too, so I don't know why I'm complaining about other people! It's just my way, I guess. ;)

[lawchicky819]

Yes, the trails seem overcrowded since people want to be outdoors (understandably). I'm thankful that we have a huge park near us, so there are usually quiet spots along the way. There's something about having that quiet moment with nature that you can't replicate unless you're out there.

[gunwithoutmusic]

This particular trail did clear up for me - I was right about most people only going the first mile or so and then turning around; I usually find if you press on long enough you'll get past the point where people feel like they want to go. On my way back (it was a loop, so coming back was up the other side of the river), there were several little "secret" areas that were wide open and had no one around, because you had to go down a barely visible side trail to get there. I actually got a chance to stop and just hang out on a little private beach right by the river for a few minutes and be completely alone. It was absolutely magical! Sometimes it is bothersome seeing other people around, but then I also enjoy thinking that maybe they'll get their little magical moments, too, and it makes me happy. :)

[lawchicky819]

Our park has some of those "hidden" trails too. I didn't get a chance to hike them yet, but I'm looking forward to checking some of them out since you can get closer to the water. I want to check them out on my own to see if they're safe enough for my younger kids.

[eeyore_grrl]

"Honestly, I’m a little sick of it. Is it too much to ask to have an entire state park to myself for a few hours? Really? Is it?"

Oh I feel this so acutely these days!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Hahaha, right? I mean, geez I know it's a public area and all and designed for anyone who wants to go enjoy themselves out in nature, but come on! I had an entry to write!

[megatronix]

I completely understand the pre-writing frustration, and post-writing peace! I think this captures that well. At first I was reading like, omg, pal, don't be so heartless to the other people, they have a right to exist there, too!

Once you said, "Is it too much to ask to have an entire state park to myself?" I laughed, and felt like you were starting to poke fun at yourself for being so difficult and mad at the world.

I love that when you sat to write, it feels like a buildup to profundity, and then instead of something incredibly profound and poignant, it brings us back full circle. That's very cool.

I also enjoy that the children are just being children and it's you and the dads in the park having the true tantrums, ha! Oh, life. We humans are such funny creatures. I like what you did with the prompt. :)

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you! I try to be self aware when I'm being a little bratty but sometimes it takes me a minute. Part of what I like about writing something like this is getting to look back at it and just shake my head at myself, once I'm a few days older and wiser. ;)

[minikin25]

You’ve done such a great job of expressing the need for silence, for peace — to just get inside your own head. People need people until we don’t.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much! It's sometimes easy to forget how to just be alone with yourself for a little bit, especially when you're being pulled in multiple directions at once. I love being able to get that feel of complete solitude every once in a while.

[murielle]

I love it!

Ah, you're a good writer. I felt your frustrations and disappointment at not finding the solitude you sought. I'm glad you found it in the end.

I did love it when you surrendered to reality, let it pull you into it, the analogy of being pulled underwater so clear and right. It seemed so...Zen?

Great job! Bravo!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Aw shucks :) Thank you so much! It definitely is a very "Zen" feeling to stop fighting where the powers that be are trying to take you. I went out there with an idea in my mind and stubbornly fought back against what I was given... but then once I just decided to go with the flow, it all worked out the way it was supposed to! It's something I try to keep in mind, but I'm still a stubborn mule sometimes lol

[wolfden]

I am very fortunate that for the most part the park I hike at most often is generally pretty empty. With COVID there are more people on all my favorite trails but not so many. Our toddler hikes, we've been taking him out since he was a baby. He can manage 2ish miles at 2.5 though it is a much slower pace than the one I need to clear my thoughts. It is definitely not restorative kind of hiking.

I love the imagery of giving in to the distractions and also the end. "I've got nothing." I relate to that a little too well.

I am barely making it to the end of the driveway at the moment (admittedly we do have a long driveway) so I appreciate you taking me along on these hikes.

[gunwithoutmusic]

I already have another idea bouncing around in my head relating to hiking - hopefully I don't start to get too samey, but I just like hiking darn it! This is my life right now, so that's what I'm gonna write about. :)

My niece is 3 and my sister and brother-in-law have also gotten her into hiking; her mom says she can do about 2 miles, too! I'm so proud of her. :) Plus that makes me extra excited to see them over the holidays; they live in the foothills of the Appalachians so they have lots of cool mountain hiking and waterfalls and whatnot. Since little Blake is hiking now too, we're all going to do some fun family hikes when we're up there for Christmas and some Florida hikes when they come down here for Thanksgiving.

Thank you for your kind words! :D

[halfshellvenus]

I really liked how you chose to frame the prompt as being overwhelmed and drowning in the annoyance of other people.

That is exactly how I feel when I go out hiking and things are just crowded. It's more likely to be true in a state park than on a random trail, too, but it still feels like, "But where is MY oneness with nature?"

You handled the loose dog better than I would, possibly because you have dogs? I'm kind of afraid of them, so having a dog come at me and get up in my space is alarming. I really hate it when people let their dogs off-leash in public places like that, and often, they're not supposed to!

Can't help you with the baby thing, though. We used to take our first child hiking until she was about 1. I carried her in a backpack. She didn't cry, but if she got sleep, she would start yelling to try to keep herself awake. It was super annoying. She had "fear of missing out" before it was even a thing!

But possibly not as bad as having a small child scream right in your ear!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you! My friend Kim's daughter is very much the same way with her FOMO, and I'm sure I was the same way, too. It's kind of cute if not a teensy bit annoying lol.

I actually felt a little bad for poor baby Andrea - she was just in one of those baby backpacks with not hat or any sort of sun covering, and the very start of the trail (where she was fussing) had no shade really; I don't blame her for being a baby about it!

Most of the dogs I saw (and there were a lot of them!) were on-leash, since that's the rule at the state park, but on my way back out I came across a big group of people with two HUGE dogs off-leash. Thankfully those dogs were good enough to not come up to me or anything but that did rub me the wrong way, especially since I make every effort when I take my dog out to make sure he stays on his leash and doesn't try to love every stranger that walks by!

[n3m3sis43]

I know this feeling. You captured it so well! And I loved the ending. :)

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much! I had fun with it. :)

[alycewilson]

It's great to take a peek inside your creative process. I liked the wave like use of repetition.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much! :-D