5. Oubaitori

[gunwithoutmusic]

Eye to the telescope
And we were singing along
But I never wanted a rival
It just came about when
Our similarities enshrined themselves
Our differences exiled themselves

A certain yearning exists
When you provide your own edification
To enmesh yourself with yourself
You were so close
A carnival mirror
A copper pan

The hibiscus is in bloom today
By the time I see them again
The flowers will be shriveled
Clinging half-heartedly to their branches
But more will come again tomorrow

Comments

[roina_arwen]

Can you explain the copper pan reference, out of curiosity?

I like the third stanza best, very evocative.

[gunwithoutmusic]

It's a sort of reiteration of the carnival mirror idea, something that shows your reflection but it's not exactly right.

I also liked the third stanza! It's where I started from, actually. :)

[roina_arwen]

Thank you! The copper pan did make me think of a garden, like the base of a fountain, perhaps.

[adoptedwriter]

I am guess in that the carnival mirror and the copper pan can reflect distorted images which makes accurate comparisons tricky?

[gunwithoutmusic]

Yes! I was thinking that a carnival mirror got the point across but felt a little obvious but a copper pan was maybe too vague on its own so I put them in together. :)

[erulissedances]

Some really interesting visual references you've put into this. Well done!

- Erulisse (one L)

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you very much :)

[halfshellvenus]

You were so close
A carnival mirror
A copper pan
I liked these lines--almost there, but a little skewed somehow. Maybe when we rely solely on ourselves, we do not always feel complete. There's no external validation, no sense of really being "seen". Despite how hard we've worked and how much we might deserve it.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much! I've always been one to say that I don't need external validation or support, but as I get older I think I'm letting go of that. It's not great feeling lonely even if you're surrounded by people.

[fausts_dream]

This is great, the third stanza is especially strong.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you; I appreciate it!

[bleodswean]

I love how complicated your poetry is, yet you're working with familiar concepts! I love the opening stanza!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you :)

[mollywheezy]

The first stanza was my favorite, especially the lines "Our similarities enshrined themselves
Our differences exiled themselves". Great work!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thanks so much :)

[muchtooarrogant]

I too am fond of the first stanza, and enjoy the image of two people singing along with a song. Or, perhaps an entire album if you're referencing KT Tunstall? :)

Dan

[gunwithoutmusic]

It was a bit of a KT Tunstall reference! That album was the soundtrack of a vacation one of my exes and I took together, and it was thinking about that that got it in my mind. Nice catch ;)

[drippedonpaper]

I love how it's all tangled and seems impossible, but ends in hope. "More will come tomorrow." I try to believe in that.

I love your writing style.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much :) I've been feeling bleak lately but I try to remain hopeful

[banana_galaxy]

You know, I think the hibiscus is probably one of my favourite flowers. Not #1, but definitely up there.

[gunwithoutmusic]

I planted one in my yard about a year or so ago and I just love watching it bloom. It's a shame that it only blooms for a short time, though!

[swirlsofpurple]

Lovely poem, I especially liked the 'You were so close, A carnival mirror, A copper pan' part

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you very much!

[rayaso]

A wonderful poem! I envy people who can write poetry. The last stanza was great. The image was very evocative.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Oh, thank you; I really appreciate it!

[murielle]

Your poetry gets stronger and stronger!

I love this! It's so true, poignant.

"Our similarities enshrined themselves
Our differences exiled themselves"

❤❤❤

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you! It really does warm my heart to see this :)

[alycewilson]

I also love the third stanza.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you :)

[static_abyss]

I enjoy reading your poetry, and this piece had a nice rhythm to it. Also, I agree with the other comments about the third stanza. It was also my favorite.