04. A Bridge You Must Cross

[gunwithoutmusic]

“Quest for Spirit”

1,682 words. Approximate reading time: 8 minutes, 24 seconds. Audio version here.

Despite the literal warning signs that we passed on the road to the beach, we were still somehow surprised when we were greeted at the end of Pier 13 by a large penis—that is to say, a man wearing a t-shirt and nothing else. He smiled and waved at Tyler, Marie, and me, and we smiled and waved back as we passed by him on our way to the beach.

“Wow,” Tyler said, “That sign wasn’t kidding when it said, ‘Warning! You may encounter nude sunbathers at Pier 13!’”

“Did you know about this?” Marie asked me.

“Nope,” I replied. “There were a bunch of five-star reviews of this hike on the app, but no one actually wrote out anything.”

“Well, whatever,” she said. “It’s still a beautiful afternoon and the beach is gorgeous and, well... I mean, a penis is a penis is a penis. I’ve seen plenty before; it’s not really a big deal.”

We continued hiking down the shore, passing a few couples that were also out on the beach. Strangely enough, every woman was completely covered nearly from head-to-toe, and every man had on a shirt and no bottoms. I guess this is the nude sunbathing dress code for men, covering up your chest and letting your bottom half go free, like some sort of topsy-turvy world. I also guess that the men were a little more excited about the idea of nude sunbathing than the women.

Tyler spoke up. “You know, I don’t think I’d mind coming back here with just Sean and doing a little nude sunbathing of our own.” He gave me a little wink and I chuckled a bit.

Marie said, “Hell, I don’t care! Dicks are all the same pretty much; we could strip down right now and enjoy the rest of our hike au natural.”

My heart skipped a beat and I pretended I didn’t hear that.

#
When we entered the Canaveral National Seashore area, we didn’t have the option to pay for a day pass; it was “pay for a week or turn around and get out of here you filthy hippies.” So I paid the twenty bucks to get us in, even though we only were going to get a few hours’ use out of it.

Unfortunately, that meant we ended up with a pass that was good for the entire week, and I had some time off of work coming up, so Tyler suggested that we get our money’s worth and come back. And by “come back,” he specifically meant to Pier 13, where we could get our nude beach life on. I, ever the cheapskate, agreed, because I’d be damned if I was going to spend twenty bucks to hike on the beach for an hour.

I spent the next few days looking at myself in the mirror, mapping out every imperfection, flexing my muscles in a senseless effort to make my flab look a little more... palatable to the senses. Tyler spent the next few days getting more and more excited about being naked on the beach.

I ordered us some new beach towels and tried to get myself excited about it, too. But, for all of my blustering, I’ve never really been a very brave guy. And for all of my memories of the seashore packed to the gills with regular-looking people, for all of my rationalizations that I am not the center of the universe, for all of my meditations on the fact that no one is there to ogle or ridicule my body, I was still nervous. I told myself that I was prepared for this, that I was going to do this, only to have a little voice inside me say, “You’re not gonna do it. Wuss.”

When the day arrived, I anxiously packed my bag with our beach towels, some snacks and drinks, and some sunscreen. I’d like to say I decided that I was going to be brave, and just let loose and have some fun. After all, we were going to be hours from anyone that we knew, and I had to believe that anyone that patronizes a nude beach is accustomed to seeing all different types of naked bodies. I’d like to say that, but I still hadn’t decided yet. I still wasn’t sure if I could actually do it or not.

It’s funny, having to rationalize the idea of being natural in nature. Having to tell yourself, “It’s okay to be naked.”

#
When I was a kid, I couldn’t stand wearing clothes. And I loved nature, in my own special way. I have vague memories of being a toddler and going outside to play with Josh, a neighbor boy that was around the same age. The second we were both outside, all of our clothes would immediately come off and we would sit around playing in the grass and the mud (I’m sure my parents absolutely loved that), eating dirt, you know, the kinds of things that stupid kids do.

At home, I was always running around in just my underwear. I probably would have been naked all the time at home, too, if my parents hadn’t compromised with me and told me that I didn’t have to wear clothes as long as I wore underwear. But, knowing me, I’m sure even that was a struggle most of the time.

It wasn’t until I was around nine or ten years old that I started getting really chubby. I was fairly average-sized up to around that point, although I was still a little bit bigger than my peers, because I remember being made fun of as a kid for being a little fat. My interests as a kid were mainly reading and cooking. I liked playing outside with my friends when we lived in a neighborhood that had a bunch of other kids around the same age as my sister and me, but I could (and frequently did) spend all day with my nose buried in a book, only stopping to grab a snack from the kitchen to tide me over through the next few chapters.

When I was nine, we moved from that neighborhood into a new construction development far away from all of my friends, and there weren’t any other kids in the neighborhood yet, so I didn’t have much to do with myself other than read and cook (and eat).

I made some new friends at my new school using my patented “self-deprecating humor” method. I found that people enjoyed it when I would make fun of how chubby I was, when I would laugh at the jokes made at my expense. People like people who can make and take jokes, so I let my skin crystallize in an effort to be liked. It worked to a degree, but I recall many moments spent in front of the bathroom mirror after a shower, analyzing my body and wishing that it could somehow be different, that people would look at me and not laugh.

And for all of my preaching of “not giving a shit what others think about me,” I carried that with me into adulthood.

#
So there we were again, just Tyler and me, in the parking lot outside of Pier 13. When we pulled in, I saw at least ten other cars parked there, and felt a lump in my throat. I had been hoping that maybe at eleven o’clock in the morning on weekday, we’d have a little bit more privacy. But we were here and Tyler was excited, so I shoved my nervousness down.

We unloaded our supplies from the car, and crossed the parking lot to the boardwalk. It was a beautiful day, with the sun high in the bright blue sky, and unseasonably warm, but not deathly hot like most days in Florida. Honestly, it couldn’t have been a more perfect day for nude sunbathing, which is probably why the parking lot was so full.

We moved quickly down the boardwalk and onto the bustling beach, looking through all of the different bodies to find a place to lay down our beach towels. Once we found a nice open area, we set up our little camp. Tyler immediately and excitedly jumped out of his clothes, and my eyes followed his cute little bare butt as he made his way into the ocean.

“This is amazing!” he shouted to me from his spot in the water. I absent-mindedly dug a few toes into the sand as I watched him having the time of his life. I glanced around and saw so many people without a care in the world, laying on their towels soaking up the sun, swimming in the ocean and enjoying the beautiful weather, walking along the shore with only their t-shirts on.

And I noticed that no one was looking at me. And I noticed that no one was looking at Tyler. Everyone was just doing their own thing, living their best life, and God damn it, I could live my best life, too. I looked at Tyler again, watching him splash around for a moment before coming back up to shore, naked and dripping.

He flopped down onto his towel and looked at me as I fussed over our portable radio. “What are you still doing with all of your clothes on? Come on, stop futzing around with that radio and get comfortable!”

The little voice in my head said, “You can’t do it. Wimp. These people are going to judge you. You’re too fat for the nude beach. Your body is an embarrassment.” I took another look around at the other beach-goers, and how free and happy they looked. At how free and happy I could be if I just pushed that little voice aside.

So I pushed that little voice aside. I let my inner child take over. I pulled my shirt up over my head and tossed it onto the beach towel. Okay, so far, so good. Just like any other day at the beach.

“That’s it, babe, you got this!” Tyler encouraged me.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and hooked my thumbs underneath the waistband of my swim trunks. ‘No going back now,’ I thought, and let myself be free.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

This was a fun story! I’ve never been to a nude beach but I hear there’s an area on Lido Key in Sarasota. I have been on a beach in Span which was pretty darn close to being classified as nude, given the swimwear. Ppl just do their thing by as if they had real swimsuits on. No biggie. You explained your struggle well. Body shaming is shameful.

[bsgsix]

I really liked how this tied into the prompt AND kept your nature series going. It works on many levels!

It’s funny, having to rationalize the idea of being natural in nature. Having to tell yourself, “It’s okay to be naked.”

This introspection really struck me, simply because it's so TRUE. Why do we have such a hard time being naked - especially in nature, where our bodies are to be one with the earth? Is it because Americans are uptight about bodies? Is it because we've always been told to wear clothing lest we cause arousal and pleasure? Is this doubly true for those who have fuller breasts (female-presenting, I mean) and are told to ALWAYS keep them covered, whereas those who present as males can be outside without a shirt and face little to no scrutiny? Why is it all a double-standard?

I'm glad you did go back. There's nothing wrong with being yourself. And you're right that no one really notices. I've spent time in Spain, where, in the coastal town of Malaga, nude sunbathing is quite natural. Sure, people looked at my form, but then, they did their own things. It wasn't sexual or creepy. It just - was.

Nice piece, friend. Truly. I'm glad you wove in the elements of body-shaming, that inner voice, and kept the natural in nature here. Your writing is wonderful, as always. <3

[alycewilson]

I can understand why you would have been hesitant to go au naturale. The last time I swam nude in public was in the late 90s, at a hippie gathering. Ironically, although I weighed about 50 pounds less than I do now, I had similar reservations. I'm glad you found the nerve to do it and that you shared this story.

[murielle]

Oh man, I feel this on so many levels. The weight issues (from the age of about seven) and the self-deprecating humour (even after I saw a gym teacher watching me with such pity in his eyes as a classmate made fun of me and I laughed louder than anyone else) that kept the pain private, I thought.

I am not brave. I'm also very stubborn, so nothing short of my cloths spontaneously combusting right off my body would get me to be naked, anywhere. But I do admire you for overcoming your reluctance and joining your husband on Pier 13.

So well written, so well told. And another hike!

You know, you're making me wish hiking could be part of my life too.

[wolfden]

Love this. It’s hard to let those things go sometime.

Mr Nope Pants is extremely opposed to clothing. I don’t blame him at all.

[gunwithoutmusic]

It was so much less intimidating than I actually imagined once we were there! I spent the whole car ride being just nervous as nervous can be, and then we got there and it was like, "Oh, this is all no big deal!" So I felt much more comfortable, and I had a great time and would do it again! :)

[gunwithoutmusic]

Yeah, I won't lie and say that I didn't notice other people; of course I did. And I'm sure they noticed me. But there was absolutely nothing sexual about it, it was just people on a beach living life, and no big deal whatsoever. I'm glad I went back, too; it's not something that I would have imagined myself doing, but I think that my life has been enriched just by that experience. :D

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you! I was so hoping that my husband would change his mind and decide that he didn't want to do it after all. He expressed some reservations when we were first on the road to the beach, but for the most part he was still excited, so that got me excited about it, too. It still took me a little bit to be COMPLETELY comfortable, but once I got it in my head that it was no big deal, I had a great time. :)

[gunwithoutmusic]

I wouldn't have said this a year ago, but hiking is amazing and I hope to always be the sort of person that goes out hiking all the time. It really has changed my perspective on a lot of things for the better, I think.

I talk a big game, but I am the exact opposite of brave. But I'm also very stubborn, too, and my stubbornness just happened to work out in the way of, "Well I'm not going to be the only one here NOT doing this!" And honestly, it was a lot of fun! I'm still not in love with my body or anything, but at least I know that most people don't really care one way or another. I find comfort in that. :)

[gunwithoutmusic]

Hahaha yeah I NEVER wanted to be in clothes when I was younger! Socks irritated me, pants were uncomfortable, shirts were always just in the way... I'm used to being in dress shirts and slacks everyday now for work, but the second I get home all of that comes right off. In a lot of ways I'm still that same kid... I just understand that it's "cute" when kids run around outside naked, but not so much when it's a 35-year-old man! :)

[alycewilson]

That's good! I think it's adorable how you describe his eagerness, by the way, along with his complete lack of understanding about you being uncomfortable. Like, in his eyes, of COURSE you should be proud of your body. I imagine that's partly because he sees you as you truly are, without all of the self-consciousness that you've internalized.

[gunwithoutmusic]

He always tells me I'm attractive and I suppose I have no choice but to believe him since, after all, he is the one that decided to stick with me for the long haul, but there's always that little voice that says, "No no no." I'm learning to not listen so much, though. :)

[bleodswean]

Again, you amaze me with your ability to take a situation and breathe so much of REAL life into it. This was simultaneously painful and rejoiceful! That's a mad writing skill, my friend!

I'm so glad you took the plunge - did you enjoy the rest of the day?

And that is an outrageous price to walk on the beach! But perhaps you were paying ahead for this fantastic essay and a few hours of personal freedom....

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you so much!

Yes - I was FLOORED when they said we had to pay twenty bucks; there is literally nothing there but the seashore! But the universe likes to work in mysterious ways. If I hadn't had to pay that extra money, I wouldn't have wanted to go back and get my money's worth, and I wouldn't have had this experience. So it all worked out. :D

I did have a great day on the beach after my initial hemming and hawing - well, for the most part. Toward the end of the day I actually got caught in a riptide and may have actually come close to drowning had my husband not saved me, so that wasn't so fun, but the rest of the day was nice, and we're talking about going back!

Thank you again so much for your comments :)

[flipflop_diva]

Yay you for being so brave and doing it! I don't know if I could have done that. But your husband sounds adorable, and I'm glad you had fun.

The part about you as a kid is great. That's my daughter at the moment. Every morning, if we leave her in her crib by herself a little too long, we'll come in and there she is with all her clothes off. Of course, she is still in diapers so this is not exactly great for us, but she loves it!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Thank you! I'm still pretty much the same as I was as a kid - as soon as I get in the door, the clothes come off lol. But in public around other people? That was a different story! I never thought I would do anything like that in my life, but I'm glad I had the experience. :)

[halfshellvenus]

"we could strip down right now and enjoy the rest of our hike au natural.”
My first thought on reading this was, do none of you people suburn?!? But the second one was that suddenly being naked in front of friends you've never been naked with before sets off an "awkwardness panic." Too much weirdness!

I used to do some nuding when I was younger, and I've been chubby since I was eight. It's hard to get over your own body issues at first, and then you realize that nobody else really cares (except the pervs who are there always hoping to see some really HOT naked people). That part can be really freeing. Until you get sunburned in places that have never seen the sun before, and it's horrifying.

But reading this now, at the heaviest I've ever been and in full self-hatred mode (thank you, Quarantimes effect!), I felt every bit of your nervousness all over again and the bravery required to take that first step. It's funny that Tyler was already there just from the suggestion of the idea, but I can imagine that splashing in a warm ocean while naked would be awesome. It's like he somehow knew that. :D

As to your toddler experiences... that IS how little kids love nature. They immerse themselves in it (mud included) because it's a whole different world from "inside," and it is amazing in its own way. Scenery is for people with perspective--for a little kid, hey. Those puddles aren't going to splash themselves!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Oh, man, when she suggested just dropping trou then and there I nearly had a panic attack! It was fine when there was no one I knew around, but nuding with friends that have never so much as seen me in my undies before? No thank you.

Of course, the next day we were talking to some of our friend group about the experience and Tyler was trying to convince everyone that we should just go as one big group!!! Nooooooooo! Although, I guess that is the logical next step of bravery - but I don't think I'm ready for that one yet, haha!

I'm also the heaviest I've ever been, and while I'm not terribly happy about it, it's also not so easy anymore to shave off those pounds, so I'm just trying to be happy with the body I've got and just make sure I do my best to stay as active as I can. :)

Also, we applied sunscreen everywhere probably five times in the couple of hours we were at the beach, so I thankfully didn't get burned. Well, my face did a little bit, but that's definitely better than my buns!

[halfshellvenus]

Yeah-- my main experiences were when I was around 19-20 and living in Eugene. Sunblock wasn't really much of a thing then, and I mostly was naked at a couple of hot springs in the shade. But one day, it was at the edge of a reservoir out in the sun, and even in the springtime Eugene sun (8 hours north of here), that 90 minutes or so of full exposure was too much. :(

I wound up wearing a soft tube top for several days after that, because wearing a bra was just too much! Lace has always been an issue due to itchiness, and it was SO much worse on a sunburn.

And can I just say how much I miss having you on my team?

[gunwithoutmusic]

I know!!! I miss you too! We have to make the merge together so we can be one big happy family again! :)